"According to the Wall Street Journal, Phillip Morris is close to signing a deal to make Marlboros in China. Well, that should solve China's overpopulation problem." -- Jay Leno "Federal authorities are investigating whether or not Martha Stewart violated rules of her house arrest when she attended a Time magazine gala last week. Meanwhile, there is no news yet on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden." -- Jay Leno "Did you know this is 68th anniversary of the very first Social Security check being mailed out? I think next week is the anniversary of the very last check being mailed out." --Jay Leno "MSNBC is predicting that the archbishop of Bombay could be the next pope. Bombay? Even the job of pope is being outsourced to India now." --Jay Leno "John Kerry is on crutches after knee surgery. The good news – today he put in for another Purple Heart." --Jay Leno "Prince Charles has delayed his wedding due to the passing of the Pope. I guess he figured maybe now's not the best time to marry his mistress." – Jay Leno "Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno "Homeland Security announced plans to assign 500 more agents on the AZ border to stop illegal immigrants. And of course Rudy Giuliani is furious about this, because this will keep the Yankees from getting a new pitcher." --Jay Leno "Vice President Dick Cheney got a big pay raise last week. He was only making 53 dollars a barrel ... this week he's making 57 dollars a barrel." --Jay Leno "There was a big screw up on American Idol. The phone voting was all mixed up. They had a complete revote tonight. That's what I love about our country. When there's a voting problem with our presidential election, what did that take, three months? When some stupid karaoke show has a voting problem... Oh my God! Get on the phones, and the next day it's fixed." --Jay Leno President Clinton recovering quite well. ... In fact, he just passed a stress test or, as he called it, a weekend with Hillary." --Jay Leno "Thank goodness Clinton is doing fine. And today his condition was upgraded from stable to horny." --Jay Leno "Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor. You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had." --Jay Leno "President Bush said when he goes to Europe, he's looking forward to talking about how we can extend peace even further around the world. Then the Pentagon told him, 'You know, Mr. President, we really don't have enough ammunition left to do that." --Jay Leno