"Before Social Security, Americans had to keep working long after they were past retirement age -- kinda like the way Cher has to now." --Jay Leno "Pope Benedict the Sixteenth said that he prayed that he would not get elected but then he did get elected. Today Hillary Clinton called the pope and said can you pray for me not to get elected in 2008. ... He had hoped to live his last years living quietly and peacefully, and today Al Gore said 'You know, it's not that great.'" --Jay Leno "Over the weekend in Indianapolis over 30,000 fans attended a Star wars convention. ... Experts say it was the highest concentration of celibate men since they elected the new pope." --Jay Leno "It has now been revealed that a Washington lobbyist personally paid for Tom DeLay's trips using his own credit card. Even more embarrassing, the lobbyist also put the purchase of Tom DeLay on his credit card." --Jay Leno "President Bush took part in some Earth Day celebrations. I don't think he quite understands Earth Day. Well, like today, he helped pick up garbage at the park but the litter stick he was using was made of baby seal bone and freshly-cut ancient redwood." --Jay Leno "According to a report, there are some people who are not happy with the choice of the new pope. In fact, one of the cardinals today had a bumper sticker on their car that said 'Don't blame me. I voted for Cardinal Mahoney.'" --Jay Leno "The cardinals said they have to be very careful in the process of electing a new pope because the pope will be interpreting God's law for them. You know, kind of the way Republican leaders do for us in this country." --Jay Leno "The U.S. Department of Agriculture came out with their new food pyramid. Have you looked around? Most Americans today are food pyramids -- small at the top, wide at the bottom." --Jay Leno "Meanwhile, today in England a black flag was raised to indicate that Charles and Camilla had finally consummated their marriage." --Jay Leno "John Kerry blasted the Bush administration for high gas prices ... he said gas is so expensive he may now have to marry Bill Gates." --Jay Leno "President Bush was in South Carolina to push his plan for people to invest their Social Security money in the stock market. The stock market -- good timing! What was the second choice? The national bank of Iraq?" --Jay Leno "A man in West Bend, Wisconsin who bought a shirt at the local goodwill store found $2,000 stuffed inside the pocket, isn't that amazing? The more amazing part is how did one of Tom DeLay's old shirts wind up in Wisconsin?" --Jay Leno